4.17.25
Fatiuge

Sup. I'm so dead recently which is such a shame cause I was in such a good mood for a while there. I am so tired that it's hard to function. Hard to cook hard to clean hard to do anything but read yaoi and draw. Thank goodness I can still have the paitence for art. I love this site but I have no energy to update it like I've wanted to which is sad. I don't see myself having the time to do it soon especially if im looking for jobs. Yeah I haven't found a job yet womp. I guess i'm just terrible with interviews or something cause no one wants to hire me. I didn't really want to work there anyways but it's still annoying. I just want to sleep a lot and like idk hurt myself and drink. I don't even like those things I just need to cope and can't seem to do it in a healthy way. Like I can but it doesnt seem to work or last very long. And I know I have to practice skills to get better at them but when. I can breathe thats pretty cool but it doesnt help this low feeling. In other news I finsihed that painting!! It's pretty cool I like it. I dont really know why I'm posting I just miss this time in my life where I was coding a lot and making cool stuff. Hopefully I can get back to it soon.

4.7.25
Job Hunt

Hey all!!! It has been a month!! I see people have been looking at my site which is so cool and kinda intimidating LOL. I've been so busy with life stuff and haven't really updated the site which i'm honestly sad about because this website is like my child. I've mostly been journaling in my actual journal for once and it has been nice but I miss updating my website a lot. Currently I got denied disability ToT so i'm off trying to find work again which is killing me a bit. I have a really negative experience and outlook when it comes to working so it's just got me down a bit. I applied to a makeup store but it's been a week and they haven't gotten back to me and they never said they would call me so i'm losing hope for that smh. I'm looking at more beauty and craft stores in my area, stuff that kinda interests me. I miss coding and I miss Towa. I miss my fixation on him. I still love him don't get me wrong but the joy and spark is a little less than it used to be :( perhaps I just gotta play the game again. I mostly wanted Madarame's route but maybe i'll complete the game and play Fujieda's route. I mostly want to finish DMMD at the moment so maybe i'll do that as an after applying for jobs treat hehe. Thank you for all the chats on my homepage you are all so cool. I'm thinking of updating the site more this month. Maybe adding a click here to enter page and my art gallery!! I haven't completed that painting but I am sooooo close to done :) just some small details left then i'll post it on here in the gallery. Over all life is...boring and lonely tbh. I hate capitalism I hate facism I hate the state of the world rn I hate jobs I hate having to work and potentially ruin my mental health just to make money and live. Sorry for the rant but thats whats up!! Talk to you all later byeee

3.8.25
Art!

Okay so i'm almost done with Madarame's route and I want to complete it today I think. I might play the bad ending?? Or the good one i'm not sure yet. Maybe the good one then the bad one...playing both like a king. My oil painting is going amazing i'm so stoked to keep working on it. The only downside is it takes foreverrrrr to dry. I don't care tho it's perfect and so much fun and honestly maybe my new favorite paint to work with. I made art for Towa's birthday yesterday (happy birthday king I love you so much) and it turned out so well. It's just a sketch right now but it's great I love it. Once I make my art gallery on my website it will go there. Speaking of i really should figure out how to code my art gallery. Oh in other news, i'm doing slightly better. I had to take a few rest days just for me and such. my therapist was like maybe it's your autsim making you feel this way and you need to cope so you're thinking of dangerous activities because they serve a purpose for you and I was really like god damn of course it's that. It's not exactly what he said but you get the point. So yeah been resting and taking it easy and trying not to over perform so hard because i'm burnt out. My art gallery is going to be so pretty just wait. I'm also going to be helping a friend with her cosplay im excited about that. I've never made like a costume before but I have some sewing experience so I hope things will go well. Yeah!! Lots of fun projects going on and taking things easy. I want to move out of my current place soon as well...I hope I can because that would be amazing...It might not happen any time soon though so it's just a thought. Once I get that site up I will post some art :3. Thats all for now my loves goodbye!!

3.5.25
They hate to see a bitch painting
CW: SH thoughts

Hey all :D Good to talk again. Today was def better than yesterday even if all I wanted to do was stay and bed and sleep I did the opposite of that (Yippee!) and actually did stuff. Not the important life stuff i've been putting off tho smh. I started an oil painting and i'm super excited about it actually i've never used oil paints but have a lot from this class I was going to take but couldn't because of reasons. It's been like 3 years since then and i'm finally using them again I am so hyped. It's a cool composition and idea if I do say so myself, I just hope I have the skills to get it out on canvas. I should've practiced with these paints before using but I was so excited like who can blame me. Its a painting of Towa and himself because you guys understand the hyperfixation by now. Things are still pretty bad tho tbh. I'm having a lot of SH thoughts and even dreams now. I just want to feel pain and get hurt. Idk what is causing this because my life is good?? I'm doing fine?? I mean I know i'm in a depressed state technically because I can barely do anything but eat and stay in bed and half the time I don't want to eat. Idk maybe i'm not doing well when I put it like that. Anyways it's the same shit as in my other blog posts tbh...want to get hurt and hurt self, want to have dangerous encounters and smoke and drink and cry and stumble around. In other news, Madarames route is soooo good man. I feel very similarly to Towa. He want's his comfortable life but can not help this nagging feeling that he needs to go back to Madarame. Madarame showed him what he thinks he is, this past version of himself full of passion and pain. I live a very good life I wont deny it, but I need something more. I want to be in pain and I want to feel fire inside of me. I want to be dangerous. I need something else than this. I'm not even sure what i'm saying anymore. I think I know why I want this it's probably due to past experiences compared to how boring life feels right now and the stressers of adult life are so...bland. Goodnight going to play more Slow Damage might type my thoughts later. Oh also I fucking hate Taku.....bitch.

3.4.25
Feeling shit

I am so tired and so depressed today no joke. I slept like half of my day away. I just don't really know what to do. I want to be bubbly but i feel so ugh. I want to just hole up and play games and code and think about Slow Damage. I have therapy soon so maybe that will help? Idk things are starting to get bad again. I had something really important I needed to get done and it's just sitting on my desk. I fucking a can't. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Going to sleep now night.

3.3.25
What do I really want?

In all of my fantasies and in all of my realities, what do I want. No really what do I really want. From life? From friends? From myself? I guess it's all still up in the air but it makes me uneasy. Pain and joy and the cycle can't be all there is so what do I want? I don't want to drink all the time but my brain doesn't like staying sober. There's always some escape. Real life is hard and there's so much pressure to perform for people and be who they want. I usually say fuck it be who I like say what I like but it's hard to accept myself and my reality fully. I wonder if other people feel the same. That their lifes purpose is always at conflict. I feel that the meaning to life is what you make of it, what you decide. Life is to be enjoyed and explored. I guess a better way to say it is that my thoughts, feelings, and actions are always conflicting. Theres always some deep dark desire under the exterior and I have to stop myself and control myself every day. It's exhasting. But giving into desire will hurt me and others. Theres no winning. I feel like maybe there will always be something "wrong" with me even if I am whole as a person and don't need to be fixed I feel as if I do. Venting in the blog again. I'm just trying to be real and this space feels safe to me. Journaling on my own gets me stuck in my own head too much. This feels public to where I can limit myself somewhat. Goodnight.

3.3.25
HEHE
CW: Abuse, Non-con

Okay so I had some bourbon.........as I do... and I am so hyped about Slow Damage. I love this fucked up game so much. Towa is so emo and I love it. It's so entertaining. I can realate to him a lot, not completely but like damn me and you bro we're like this 🤝. I wish I had my own vodka tbh but I know how that went last time. Man. Not excited to turn 21 and have access to everything I don't need. ANYWAYS about Slow Damage, i'm around the part where Towa recieves Madarame's lighter and everyone is bringing up the past around him. I think I have a little more gameplay left before he gets kidnapped by him. Idk why I love his route so much like obviously I hate him and everything he does to Towa and I hate him for isolating him and the non-con and the abuse but like....I want him LOL I can't. Rei or Fujieda are probably the best options in the game. I think Fujieda is the best aside from that one non-con event in the park near the beginning. The true ending makes me happy. I truly just want Towa to be happy with someone he loves and I guess I would want that for myself as well but damn Madarame.....damn. Can't get over him and the idea of him. I would def hate him irl but in fantasy man? It's different. I want to get fucked up irl sometimes. I want smth bad to happen to me. I'm not exactly sure why I have this self destructive urge inside of me. Everything is just so blegh. I want to feel pain and get hurt again. This is such a tangent sorry. I'm so excited for Madarame's route though maybe it'll be cathartic for me. I want more bourbon smh maybe i'll get some. Hope you guys like the music on my pages I think I have superior music taste if i do say so myself. I need to talk to my therapist LOL. Peace out.

3.3.25
Bruh Moment

Why did I have to do drugs at 13 what a bruh moment now i'm 20 and like... I need them. Fucked up and evil. Playing Madarames route again in Slow Damage I haven't in a while and tbh i'm excited. Sorry Towa for all that damn torture you go through.

3.2.25
Masking

Today was pretty good I haven't craved a cig all day so that's really nice. I did end up smoking yesterday tho :/ kind of annoying but I agreed that it would be the last one. I'm not a regular cigarette smoker so maybe it wont be imposible. I am so TIRED today though holy shit. Maybe I stayed up to late? Or maybe I just have fatuige tbh. Going and doing things takes a lot out of me but I need to get out because otherwise I would be so sad staying in all the time. I've still been thinking about masking and how it affects my daily life right like I feel like I can't help it. I was very high performing and high masking and now i'm trying to be more genuine but I still don't feel like I know myself. I'm still young though I have lots of time to figure myself out. I don't really know how to interact with people without masking so i'm like, who am I and how do people see me? What am I to people and why do they like me? Who am I if not the face I put on for others. Like literally what is my personality outside of that. I feel like some people would say it's who I am when i'm alone but when i'm alone i'm like quiet or upset or recovering from my day. I don't want to be constantly upset you know? I feel like I still have strong visible ups and downs even though i'm on medication so maybe I should change it? I just don't want to deal with it. Idk here's a cute pic of Towa :3

3.1.25
Ugh

Love the besties love life but damn. I would like to self destruct LMAO like not implode but just fuck my shit up. I have a headache from nic and not a lot of water smh. I say the same things always but I miss smoking a lot. I want a cig so bad. I understand the addiction to nicotine. I don't even like it that much I don't like how it makes me feel that much but damn like.....smoking. It's a habit, it's a ritual. It's all I talk about cause I can't stop thinking about it!! And it sucks that like half the people around be smoke weed/vape so its like what am I supposed to do. I guess I could will power through it like I do with weed but that's different cause I genuinely hate how weed makes me feel. I get anxious, antisocial, depressed, and simply isolate. I wish I could be normal around substances and people and everything. I'm glad I have people that can relate to my experiences because it's hard out here. I don't want to lose friends and family just because they smoke nic of course but I have such a hard time with self control I will just ask to hit it. In other news my sims is taking forever to update but i'm so excited to play again. I have a friend who has been really into it and it has been really making me want to play again. Also I'm so sorry if this webpage looks bad for you i'm still trying to figure out how to make things universally look good. It looks great on my end trust! But for everyone not on an old small laptop it looks like shit! I checked it the other day and was so sad about it. Tired of feeling like this and craving smoking and drinking and pain all the time. Some days it gets really bad. Other than that life is good I guess which is strange to say. Maybe I feel that life is boring? Maybe i'm looking for something more? I don't know. I need someone to fuck me up real bad and the only person who would ghosts me because hes the actual fucking worst. "I love you i'll always be there for you if you need anything" my ass. He was literally like "I want you to use me tehe" and I said I wouldn't because like I would feel like a shit person but maybe I want to be shit some times. I really dont know anymore there's some updates into my life and my trauma if you were curious lol being wayyyyy too honest on my blog but I honestly don't expect many people to be reading this and if i regret it later i'll delete. Peace and love lol.

2.28.25
Happy :)

I am so blessed to have so many amaizng people in my life actually. I try to be greatful for my life and what I have but my friends really are the best man. We call everyday and we play Minecraft and Roblox and code together. I'm truly so happy to have people in my life who care about me and I care about in return. They're all such amazing special wonderful people I couldn't ask for better :3 Life is hard but having amazing people to spend it with makes it so worth it. Missing my besite rn she is at work and I hope she sees this and enjoys this message LOL she knows how much I appreciate her and how greatful I am to have met her.

2.28.25
Good News!!

Got good news today about my life situation and got good news that my teeth are looking good!!! Good day so far calling with the besite and going to go over to the siblings house later and going to play Roblox and Minecraft and omg. So hyped for my day. Blessed. Still feel similarly to yesterday but I'm hoping for the best. Gosh still dying for a cig and some vodka and some brutal sex but life goes on and I keep myself safe.

2.27.25
I fucking relate
CW: SH

I think i relate to Towa a lot more than I should. He's self destructive and apathetic about most things and I fucking feel that bro. He goes through trauma that he forgets, he has people around him that love him even with his self destructive tendencies, he craves pain and violence during sex its just....yeah bro you're going through it and so am I! I usually am like lol i'm totally Aoba and I thought that for a while but idk man. There's something about Towa that just is so real to me. Maybe it's the hyperfixation but man. He has nightmares and so do I!!! Like you're me bro!! I think I'm good at masking very bubbly and happy because that's how I've learned to keep the peace. If people see that i'm sad and depressed, why would they want to be around me? Why do people like me if not for my personality? What is really me? Ugh sorry for being emo but this is MY website and the most epic platform for me to express myself in every way. If people don't like my page they click off and go anyways. Simple as that. Also Towa copes through drugs and alcohol, somehow istg this guy is a functioning alcoholic which isn't me (thank goodness) but that is such a mood. He has scars and uses self harm as a way to get off and also hurt himself. I just crave pain so much. I crave sex and violence and blood and spit and drunken adventures or simply staying in my damn room. I miss smoking so badly. I used to smoke weed daily multiple times a day, literally so depressed and hated my life but fuck I miss smoking man. Not even weed but cigs now. It's so much worse for me and I'm literally so scared to become the people I hate and destroy my body but also I want that? But I'd like to grow old because I'll be dope asf when I'm old. About smoking tho I miss it because It was my me time. Outside in the dark, in the cold, in the quiet, just me and my thoughts and relaxing and breathing and being. I know mindfulness and breathing techniques but nothing tops that man. My truama makes me have dark fantasies and sometimes I feel guilty for that but I guess as long as it's in fantasy or kept done in a safe environment its not that bad. That's why I like Madarame so much. I want that torture. He is one of Towa's greatest fears, and yet he still desires the violence only he can give him. Anyways. Ranting. Venting. Being alive.

2.27.25
DMMd and Madarame
TW noncon

So... I like Koujaku somewhat. I think I like him more than Mink for sure because Mink is just an asshole to Aoba the entire time until Sly comes out and then he's like....SLIGHTLY nicer, however Koujaku is so angry and it makes me so uncomfortable :/. I love the besties to lovers thing it's super cute for them but he gets mad, tells Aoba nothing, then tries to rape him like be fucking for real!!! Terrible shit ngl. To be fair I haven't played in a hot second but this is based of what I remember. I do enjoy his back story a lot. It's tragic, it's relatable, but it doesn't excuse his actions towards Aoba. The weird thing is you can replay THAT scene of them together where Aoba pushes him off but not the other scenes with Mink. I guess that makes sense i'm just a freak when it comes to fantasizing shit. Mink at the bottom of the tier list (although I would like him to destroy me... not to the same extent as I want Madarame though Mink is just a full asshole) Then probably Koujaku above that, then Clear (let's be honest it was so tragic when he died), THEN Noiz. I haven't played Ren's route yet but I have a feeling I will like it a lot. I'm replaying Slow Damage right now though because that's where my hyperfixation is right now (autistic :3). Now about Madarame..... I'm about to replay his route again because I'm so down bad. I think he's awful. I would never want to ever be with him...but the parasites....my heart wants him SO bad. I want to be kidnapped and absolutely DEMOLISHED by Madarame. Like yeah break me actually. Maybe that's the mentall ilness tbh but I can't stop thinking about him. I am exposing way to much of myself right now but man. I hate the good ending of Madarame and Towa togehter because I want Towa to grow from his trauma honestly. I want him to live happily like he does in the ending with Fujieda. Even though it's hard for him I really do want him to be happy and him reverting to only being with Madarame just makes me sad. But the chaos in my heart loves that man and also fucking hates him.

2.27.25
First Post and Taku's Route

Hello!! This is my first blog post and I'm not really sure what to say lol. I mostly want to write about my thoughts on my interests here! I have no where to gush about my thoughts on Slow Damage or DRAMAtical Murder so it will go here!! I just finished Taku's route for I think the 4th?? Time? I honestly really dislike Taku's route. When I first played the bad ending really disturbed me tbh. I have some personal experiences with addiction so it was sad to see Towa like that i guess. I think Taku is generally attractive and his "If i can't have you no one can" thing is kind of interesting but I just really don't like him! His relationship with Towa for alomst half of the route is him hiding things from him and being overprotective, which I understand is part of his arc and story but it just bothers me so much. I feel similarly in that way with Koujaku from DMMd where he is hiding his true feelings and motives from Aoba which also bothers me. Gosh I could go on about Koujaku and how he might be one of my least favorites as well but maybe in another blog post. Plus the good ending for Taku + Towa isn't even that good imo. I haven't been able to read the afterstory translation so maybe I would change my mind there but idk.